The event from yesterday basically decided about my feelings and mood today. I have had a hard time dealing with it and today when I got up, I was still very angry at myself. I have really worked hard at my perfectionisme and especially at my attitude towards collegues who might be less perfectionist in the last years, and have lately actually managed not to show how bad I might have felt bout the efforts someone puts into his job. I admit someone’s motivation can still easily offend me, but learning to deal with this is a nice and “very social” process, especially when it works out. For some years, although a was no gangsta-rappa’ or something like that, I was a real pain in the ass, yes a genuine bastard.
Most of time a lot of people were afraid of me, not that I was that violent, at least not in a physical way. But with my mouth I could harm anyone at any moment, most of time even without having a real reason therefore. Therapy didn’t really help, as I already went trough this at the age of 17. After having started to accept myself, and not really hate myself that much anymore as I did when I was younger it all became a lot easier for me. could deal better with loads of different situations and started to enjoy humour. No, even today it is hard to make me genuinely laugh, but I giggle occasionally. My humour quickly turned into irony and sarcasme, bye a lot of people just considered as being rude. Yes it is definetly a way to cover my angryness in a lot of situations, but I mainly don’t mean to harm anyone anymore.
Yesterday evening and today I was really pissed of by my attitude and it was as if I was caring a sign :: Please handle with care, because I might and will explode. I tried to hide it at work, yes the trainee didn’t show up anymore - but professionally seen that wasn’t such a lost -, but it was very hard to put up my “happy day mask”. Problem is actually that trying to be nice, and acceptable at work, made my mood even worse. Right now at home, having loads of work to do I feel really agitated again. Instead of enjoying my internet projects, especially the Anti-Bob-Gentry-Mafia I sit here and feel how I am “having dinner” inside of myself. My stomach just feel like I just had 8 or 9 double espressos.
I hope to feel better later on, and to be able to work a little tonight. Till then I will just try to enjoy reading some blogs, which I finally started last week. I know, I still have to comment a lot of blogs out there.
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ignorancewisdom ↓Scared? Scared to comment?
Come on, you can do better than that. No need to ask your mother if you are allowed to comment. ;-)